Take my arms that I might reach you.

I have been feeling insanely restless.  I've noticed that this mostly occurs when I'm at work.  I just feel like my insides are going to burst.  I want to laugh and cry and run around and close the door and not talk to anyone.  This could be because I'm in the throes of my final three weeks working in the same place for 11+ years, a place that has felt like my home in the past but now feels impossibly far from home.  Everything is different.  I've been desperate to leave for at least a year, but now that it's upon me, I feel like a kid lost at Disney World.  I'm in a place that I've been trying to reach for so long, but being alone makes me anxious and terrified.

I'm not afraid of the future.  I never have been.  I've always been one to welcome change, whether big or small.  I know that this is what God has in store for me and my family.  The endless possibility of furthering my career is something I've never been more excited about.  But I'm just restless.

I could really use a Buffy and pizza night about now.

Easy like Sunday morning.

Easter is just my favorite holiday.  I guess it's because you don't have the same kinds of pressures that come along with Christmas and Thanksgiving.  It's easier for me to really sit back and reflect on what the holiday is all about and give thanks for the sacrifice that was made for us.  TC was telling me on the phone yesterday that, since he is at work on the boat, the day felt like just another day.  I reminded him that it wasn't another day and how lucky we all are that it isn't.  He said he hadn't thought about it that way, and it made me feel good to know that I could remind my husband that he was worth Jesus's life.  Since we don't have children, it's easy to ignore holidays just because of the hype surrounding them, because that hype is really focused on kids.  I'm happy to be able to remember that there was a time when Easter wasn't about candy or eggs and there's a real reason to celebrate.

I got to go see TC early Sunday morning, too.  He hasn't been feeling well since the boys came back from Vegas.  His best friend went to the doctor and she told him this is quite common because of the desert air.  So TC ran out of cough drops on the boat and used everyone else's cough drops, as well.  They were stopping at a small fleet about 20 minutes away from our house on Sunday morning, so I offered to bring him some, along with some soup I had made, some leftover pasta salad, and some cookies for the rest of the guys.  Well, turns out their stop was at 4 in the morning.  But I had already said I would, so I woke up at 3 and went out to the fleet.  It was worth it to be able to say hello to him in person.

He'll come home Thursday, and we'll have another whirlwind weekend.  Rehearsal dinner Thursday night, wedding stuff all day Friday (I'll work for a few hours in the morning, too), and another wedding Saturday night.  I always look forward to even the busy weekends, because it means we'll get to be with friends and family.  The lack of free time and sleep is an important investment.  These are the people who will be in our lives and our future children's lives forever, and I'm grateful for the happy memories.

This past weekend was wonderful spending time with my family.  Friday I got to go shopping with my mom.  Her boyfriend is taking her on a secret vacation, and she needed some bathing suits.  We bought her two bikinis, a really cute one-piece, and a cover up.  She was pretty pleased.  Saturday I went to my uncle's house to spend time with my dad's side of the family.  I don't get to see this side of the family as often as my mom's, so it was really nice.  We hadn't gotten together for Easter in years.  I have wonderful family on both sides.  Sunday was Easter at Mom's house, where we spent time with her side.  My in-laws joined there, as well.  I feel so fortunate to have cousins who are like siblings to me.  I couldn't get through life without the support of my family.  I certainly missed all my out-of-towners, though!

It just hit me that I made a happy post!  Hooray!

I don't want to follow Death and all of his friends.

I wrote a blog yesterday, but it wouldn't publish.  So I will try my best to recap.

It has been a crazy/difficult weekend.  TC went back to work Thursday after spending a really great two days home with me.  I took off of work one of those days because this month is one of those months where between overtime and each of us traveling to different places, we wouldn't have much time together.  We had a great day of golf, grocery shopping, getting lots done around the house, and cooking/eating a delicious dinner.

Friday night I got a phone call from his best friend's fiancée.  His father passed away.  There were really awful circumstances surrounding it.  It was exactly three weeks to their wedding day.  Since TC was on the river and sleeping at that moment, it was my job to call the wheelhouse and ask Captain E to have someone wake him up and call me so I could tell him.  It isn't easy telling your husband that a man who had been a second father to him for a majority of his life had left us.  He and his best friend are closer than brothers.  I've said on a number of occasions that I know I rank second to him and it's fine with me because he is such a good, responsible, caring person and would never lead him in the wrong direction.  So TC docked the boat and came home yesterday because it just couldn't be put off any longer.  We spent last night with he and his fiancée (who has become a close friend of mine) just talking quietly together and separately.  Today TC is with him and his mother doing some of the difficult things that come along with all of this.

I could not be more thankful and proud of the man that he is.  Mr. Pat helped mold that man, and I know that I have to send some of those thanks to him.

I don't care what they say about us, anyway.

No, I did not go to the FREE Weezer show last night.  I'm a moron.

This has been an overwhelming week for me.  There are a lot of possible paths that my future can take at this point, and I'm basically just waiting on an email.

When I first heard about the Weezer show, I thought, Awesome!  Something to do Friday night!  But as the week's events unraveled (not unlike a sweater), the idea of staying home and getting things done and reflecting took over.  I opted out.

I don't often regret the choice to stay home on a Friday night while TC is working, but this time I do.  Here's why.

Some time around the ages of 11-13, our family got its very first desktop computer.  I always enjoyed the typewriter we had (yes, I'm 85 years old, kids), but there was something about this box that I could type on but could also hold all kinds of information.  I grew to love just researching on our encyclopedia program (pre-Internet) or playing my little brother's PC Lego game.  One day while I was checking out what other cool stuff this thing had, I remembered part of the demo from the store was a music video.  So I went searching.  I found two videos, one of which was the music video for Weezer's "Buddy Holly".



Growing up in a strict Christian household at that time meant no secular music.  For some reason (actually, probably because the video looked like an episode of Happy Days, which was NEVER banned at our house), my parents were cool with letting us watch this video.  The song was unlike anything I'd ever heard.  It was up-tempo and catchy and the guys singing it were just so darned cute!  Also, I loved Happy Days and everything about the era which it portrayed.  I'm not ashamed to say that part of me thought this was actually an old song.  I was young.  Anyhow, Weezer introduced a genre of music to me that I grew to love.  Part rock, part pop, and sung by cute boys.  I really feel that they are at the very core of the songs and artists that I love the most.

And that's why I hate myself for not going to that show.  Here's hoping I get the chance again someday.  Hold me accountable, folks.

For me you'll always be 18 and beautiful and dancing away with my heart.

I started to blog yesterday then got distracted.  Sah-ree!

That Jason Mraz song I was talking about last post is called "A Beautiful Mess", not "Here We Are".  Sah-ree.

I'm having a tough week emotionally.  It can probably mostly be blamed on hormones and such.  I just really miss TC this week.  He's working overtime, so he won't be home until next Tuesday.  And then he'll go right back Thursday.  Tug life.  Job/family also has me down, but that's nothing new.  I really hope this teaching thing works out.  I have a good feeling about it after my interview yesterday, but it is going to be difficult not having my own salary for 7 weeks.  We're gonna test this marriage thing right out of the gates with that one.

They opened up a tobacco novelty store directly next door to my office.  It's been closed since Friday.  I imagine it has something to do with all the synthetic marijuana raids that have been going on.  I have a very personal vendetta against that stuff.  I've seen it hurt a lot of people close to me, both directly and indirectly.  Anyhow, this morning I was walking out to the mailbox when I saw an older man in a little truck seeming to be looking at the smoke shop.  He then proceeded to stop his truck, taking up both a handicapped parking spot and a regular parking spot, to hop out and peer into the window.  I guess he didn't realize he forgot to put his truck in park, because it started rolling toward my car.  I hollered at him that his truck was rolling away, and he just looked at me sadly and got back into it and left.  This is what synthetic marijuana is doing to people.  They become completely disoriented and throw their lives away to put this harmful chemical in their bodies.  There's so little that can be done about it, because it's sold as "potpourri", and when one strand is banned, they come up with a new one by tweaking the chemicals just a bit.  I beg all of you, if you know anyone experimenting with this garbage, do your best to talk some sense into them.

This evening, I get to go pick up the disc with all my wedding photos AND my first Spring CSA box.  So I will have a night full of recipe planning and cleaning and chopping and photo choosing for all my pretty frames.  Hopefully that will cheer me up, but it still feels like it'll be a long week.

But I DO get to see so many people I care about this weekend (including my long-lost L) at Megan & Simpson's wedding.  Both of my parents and their significant others are invited, and last I heard they were both planning on coming.  That should be interesting.  Here's hoping that doesn't ruin the weekend!

It kind of hurts when the kind of words you write kind of turn themselves into knives.

(I think I've used different lines from the same song as post titles numerous times throughout this blog.  It's a tragically beautiful song called "Here We Are" by Jason Mraz.  I've had a number of days where I've listened to this song and this song only on repeat.  Those days are usually marked by significant life changes.)

Today was a stupid day.

I tried to salvage it by grocery shopping, eating leftover pizza, baking brownies and watching Veronica Mars for the second night in a row.

Now I'm just very tired, and I'm going to call TC so I can talk to him before bed.  The nights where I get to do that are few since I don't typically stay up late enough for him to wake up for his night/morning hitch.  But tonight I did.  And I think that will help.

All things are gonna happen naturally.

I'm quite an excited girl right now.

As many of you don't know yet (because I didn't want to jinx anything--I AM NOT PREGNANT), I have recently applied to a teacher practitioner program with the Louisiana Resource Center for Educators.  It's a program that would involve, providing I am accepted, a seven-week, full time course over the summer to prepare me to become a teacher.  After that, I would start teaching full time.  Meaning?  In the Fall, boom, I'm a teacher.  This is a bit terrifying, but even more so exhilarating.

When I first thought of even looking into something like this, I did the research and also asked some of the people I interact with daily what they would think of me becoming a teacher.  The general consensus was, "Well, yeah.  Isn't that what you were planning to do anyway?"  And you know what?  It was!  When I finally decided to pursue my bachelors degree for the final time, that WAS my plan.  Get a degree in whatever I could get a degree in quickest and look for a program which would allow me to become a teacher.  But, you know, life happened, and I forgot all about it.  Once I actually decided that I would apply to this program, it was a situation something like, "Oh yes, we'll accept your application--for the next five days.  Have we mentioned you also have to take Praxis II?"  So it was a bit of a hurried decision.  But the kicker was that I didn't once feel stressed out or rushed.  I made all the calls to have past test scores and school records sent to the center and scheduled my test in a matter of minutes.  (I took it this past Saturday morning.  I got a 174.  150 is passing.  Can someone teach me about American government?  I seem to be lacking in the knowledge department there.)

Teaching seems to me like something natural, something I could just fall into.  When I think about lesson plans and grading and such, however, I get a little panicky.  I have to keep reminding myself that I have not yet been educated about these things and that I will be educated about these things if I am accepted into the program.

Today I got an email from LRCE telling me that they wanted to have an in-person interview with me.  So come Monday morning, this is all going to become a little more real.  I wanted to finally let the cat out of the bag so that you guys can pray for me!  I need God's Will to be done so badly.  I don't know all of His inner workings, but I do feel so strongly that I am not where He wants me to be right now.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Well, hello again, Blogspot.  Sorry it's been so long.  Nine months and some change.  You can thank the lack of school for me not blogging.  It was sort of one of my school routines.  And you can thank the Ides of March for getting me back.  Which I completely forgot about.  So I guess you have Stephanie to thank.

I'm a married lady now.  Mrs. TC.  Everyone keeps asking if it feels any different.  It does, and it doesn't.  We lived together for a year before getting engaged, so we sort of got used to the boundaries that go along with living together.  But there's a sense of uncompromising teamwork that is more intense now.  So.  Marriage.

Speaking of weddings, 'tis the year.  Babies, too.  Other big changes, as well.  But I'll save that for tomorrow.

You've got a face to call home.

I may have said this before, but I'm not so good at updating this blog when I'm not in school.  BUT seeing as I'm done with school for good now, I have to make myself take some time during my lunch break sometimes to do it.  I just have to.

Mom and I are going to New York for the weekend, and I'm just so very excited.  I haven't been since two Novembers ago, and that's just far too long.  There was a second of time when TC and I were discussing taking a short honeymoon there right after the wedding, but we've since changed that plan to New Orleans to save a little more money for the big France trip next fall.  I'm going to get my fill of pastrami and bagels and Broadway and pizza and Barney Greengrass and the best cookies on Earth while I can.  Oh, and shopping.  As I've already found and purchased my wedding gown, we're going to look for a gown for Mom.  And of course there'll be H&M.  There's ALWAYS H&M.

Man, this wedding stuff is tiring.  It's super fun, but it's a little strange feeling like I get to make the decisions and that it's about me.  I've never been huge on party planning, but it's fun.  Honestly, I've gotten past the initial excitement about MY WEDDING and gotten back to the point of it being a day celebrating TC's and my decision to share our lives together.  I truly can't wait to be his wife.

Work has actually felt like work lately.  Now that I'm finished extending my adolescence and graduated from college, I have to work every day like a grown-up.  I don't hate it, but I'm just reminded of how much easier it is to work when patients aren't here.  I get so much more done on Tuesdays and Thursdays, AND I can be more relaxed.  Especially since right now we have a few patients who are just mentally exhausting.  And since my "office" is in the lobby, they think I'm here to talk about senseless things while they wait an hour for their transportation to come get them.  I don't dislike patients.  I just dislike some people.  But I'm never rude to them.  I know better than that.

Faces pass, and I'm homebound.

Well, well, well (three holes in the ground).  Turns out I'm not a very good blogger when I'm not sitting in class not paying attention to lecture.  I'm gonna have to work on this.

The closer and closer graduation gets to me, the more I want to not walk.  I'm going to, of course, because my mom and TC would both have words for me if I didn't, but I'm, just typically lazy and don't want to.  I just want to go to Disney World, to be honest with you.

The weekend after we get back from Miami, I'm going wedding dress shopping for the first time.  I hate trying things on.  You know what would be perfect?  If I found the dress on my very first shopping trip.  Heck, the very first dress I put on.  That happens, right?

I happen to be feeling exceptionally lazy lately.

I hope you're the last words I ever utter.

I both love and loathe today.

Why do I love it?
Well, I booked my wedding today!  The date will be Saturday, February 8, 2014.  The ceremony and reception will both be held at the same place, a small plantation not far from TC's parents' house and where we went to high school.  It's going to be lovely.  I also love today because I got my fingernails and toenails all polished up real pretty for some friends' wedding this weekend.  I went with TC's best friend's fiancee.  We joke that those boys always have to do everything together, including, apparently, get married.  (Side:  As much as I love getting complimented on my ring, I suppose I'll forever have to answer the question, "Is that a YELLOW diamond?"  Oh well.  First world problems.)  Also, TC comes home tomorrow, and I get him for an extra couple of days this time around.

Who do I loathe it?
I need to clean the house, and I know I won't have time unless I practically kill myself tonight.  I still have to write my Louisiana history essay, our final exam in the class.  And I'm pretty sure I'll have a to read a lot before doing so.  I just cannot bring myself to do it.  I sat in traffic on Essen Lane today.  It made me want to take my car off-road and/or smash it into every other car on the road (oh, except you actually have to be GOING at some speed to do that).

(I feel super annoying when I blog nowadays.  Maybe once school is over I'll have more interesting things to talk about.)

Goin' to the chapel, and we're gonna get ma-a-a-ried!

I'm engaged, you guys!  I'm going to be Mrs. The Captain!

He did a phenomenal job on my ring.  The only tips I ever gave him were that I really love yellow diamonds and that pear shape is my favorite.

He had asked me a month or so ago about rings, but the way he asked made it seem like it was just a passing thought.  I thought maybe it could happen some time this year, but I've gotten into the habit of not getting my hopes up about anything, so he completely caught me off guard.

He was really sneaky about it.  I was out running errands on my lunch break yesterday, and he decided we should go get lunch and use one of our coupons that have been piling up.  So we went to Bay Leaf, one of our new favorite places.  After lunch, he told me I should follow him to his parents' house so that we could put his grandfather's old ironing board, which is to be ours now, into my car.  I suggested we just switch vehicles, but he insisted he needed to put some wood in the back of his truck so we both needed to go.  So off we went.  When we got there, he told me to go to the front door because that's the only door his key works on.  Once he met me up there, he got his keys out to unlock the door, and conveniently dropped them on the ground.  Just as I was turning to him to make a smarty pants comment about him being clumsy, he's kneeling there with a ring asking me to marry him.  I think I just stared at him confused for about 30 seconds.  That is truly a moment I will never forget for as long as I live.  The way his voice sounded, the nervous/excited look on his face, everything.  It wasn't anything elaborate, but it was just so perfect.

He tells me he was planning to wait until my graduation.  He had just picked up the ring yesterday morning, and obviously it was burning a hole in his pocket.

I'm just thrilled.  Also, I'm completely terrified and stressed out, and I feel so rushed.  Uuuuggggghhhhhh.

Worry, why should I care?

Methinks it's about to storm.  I'm really hoping it waits until about 3:05, at which time I will have made it to my car and headed home.  Because I totally forgot to bring an umbrella/rain jacket/rain boots today.  And I have a laptop and a cell phone that would probably prefer not to be soaking wet.

I'm so close to being done with this college foolishness, I can taste it.  I can also taste Disney World.  It tastes like turkey legs and sweet cream pretzel bites and Mickey Mouse ice cream bars.  And it's pretty much all already paid for.  And the whole month of May seems so surreal.

Yesterday The Captain and I did a whole lotta yard work.  We replaced yucky lava rock with nice, smooth river rock in the rock bed off of our back patio.  I'm happy it's done, but y'all, shoveling rocks is exhausting.  Especially when you pair it with also shoveling tons of garden soil and cutting the entire yard.  I was a bad girl, and I didn't wear sunscreen.  I'm paying for it today, believe you me.  (Why do people say that?  It's odd.)  Our shed expansion is coming along nicely, as well.  I MAY be able to do some demo when I get home from class today.

We're having my mom and her boyfriend over for dinner tonight.  Should be interesting.  He and TC are super similar in a lot of ways.  He talks a lot.  TC loves talking.  Seriously, the dude could stay up until sunrise just talking with his buddies outside on the swing.  He does on a regular basis.

OH!  This past weekend, we went to TC's cousin's fishing camp to make deer sausage.  I didn't think it would be so much fun to grind raw meat.  I had a blast!  There may be a meat grinder in my near future.  (Sorry, bank account.)  We also picked POUNDS of blackberries.  Beautiful, juicy blackberries.  Needless to say, I'll be making fruit cobbler for the first time tonight.  And probably again tomorrow.

WOW!  Teacher just came in and said we can go home!  Yes!

He's been gone for such a long time.

The Captain comes home in two days, and I can't even stand it.

I'm not even stressed out about it like I usually am when he comes home from the river.

He just forwarded me the dinner reservation he made for us for Friday night.  He's finally taking me to a place downtown that I've been wanting to try for a while now.  It's my reward for holding down the fort without him for three weeks.

Caught up in sorrow, lost in a song.

Emotional day today.  I miss TC a whole bunch.  I'm very fortunate to be able to talk to him virtually whenever I want (given he isn't napping), but I really needed to come home today and lay in silence with him until I fell asleep.  But that's just not possible today.

A good friend from high school (and beyond)'s little sister died yesterday.  I don't know exactly how, but I think it's getting to me more than I thought it would.

I've also had a lot to think about the past couple of days.  I guess I'm asking for prayer.  I need God's wisdom and guidance.  Badly.

Please come to Boston.

Today was the Boston Marathon.  It was bombed.  At the finish line.  How in the world could someone have a desire to say, I know!  These people just ran 26 miles, a feat not many even healthy people can accomplish, but it'd be a great idea to kill some of them and injure a lot of them.  I just don't get it.   Terrorism or not, why, why?!

The Captain and I were there last year.  We actually flew out of Boston the day of the marathon, a few hours after it was over.  I can't imagine what it would be like to be there as a out-of-towner just on a vacation when this happened.

As a result, I will not be on Facebook or Twitter this week.  In just a few short hours, the disturbing photos and insensitive conspiracy theories began making their way to my news feed.  I'm friends with a lot of stupid people on Facebook.  A lot of them.  I can't handle STUPID people taking really serious, tragic happenings and turning them into that.  It's like these folks will re-post ANYTHING they see.  Whatever happened to credibility?  Do people not realize how easy it is to just make something up that's completey ludicrous and put it on the internet?

In completely unrelated news, I have my last pre-finals test tomorrow.  And I'm so over it.  I haven't even studied until today, and I don't even want to study now.  But I have to.  It's an essay test.  And it's basically impossible to pay close attention in this class.  And the only way to study is just read the material.  No PowerPoint, no outline, nothing.  Lord, help my brain soak this stuff up.  

Take me far away from here.

Maggots.

If that word creeps you out, read no further.

We have two outside garbage cans at our lovely home. One of which has no lid. Now you'd THINK that one would not put garbage bags containing foodstuffs into said lidless can. Apparently this is not always the case. Because this fine, chilly morning, I go to place some scraps into the lidded can only to find a mountain of maggots inside the lidless can atop one scrawny bag.

I had a TERRIBLE day at work today, but I knew I had to do something about this situation when I got home. I got myself a bottle of bleach and poured a good amount into the can. Then I took the hosepipe and sprayed...and sprayed...and dumped...and sprayed...and dumped...and sprayed...for probably a half hour. I can basically guarantee that there were THOUSANDS of maggots in there. And now they're all in the grass. And I'm sure that's not the last of them I'll see.

I need some ice cream.

Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours.

The Captain (yes, Steph, he's okay with being Uncle Captain--someday) would have come home today had he not taken a week of overtime.  So that means one of three weeks without him is done.  And it's not as hard as I'd expected.  Perhaps it's the fact that I've been so busy with school work, or maybe it's because I've been mentally preparing for it for a couple of months now.  You'd be surprised how much I can put up with when I mentally prepare for it.  Plus, I haven't had time to clean the house, and I'd hate him to come home to be disappointed with its disarray.

From May 18th to June 18th, I'm going to three separate destinations.  Disney trip with the ladies has also become a jumping-off point to long weekend in Miami.  I'll let the girls take my car home that Friday, and I'll rent a car, drive to the airport in Ft. Lauderdale to meet up with TC, and then get picked up by his uncles to spend Memorial Day weekend at their condo in South Beach.  Then just a couple of short weeks later, I'll take a long weekend with my mom in NYC to see her beloved Tom Hanks in Lucky Guy (I think that's what it's called).  So I've got a pretty packed summer ALREADY.

In other news, my best friend from high school (who is still one of my best friends) is having a baby!  Like, today.  Like, RIGHT NOW.  I'm hoping to be able to meet him Saturday morning, providing Lauren is okay with a pit-stop in Mandeville on the way to New Orleans.  I can't wait!  As adorable as both she and her brother were as babies, I can only imagine how cute he'll be.  I'm just so sad I can't be there with her through the labor.

I will carry you there.

I got to go see The Captain yesterday (for less than a minute).  He came down with a cold on the boat and needed some meds (and an extra cookbook to read).  Driving to his fleet always gives me a panic attack.  All the loopy, narrow, high ramps I have to drive on is not nice to my nerves.  But it was worth the drive.  I got to give him a bag of stuff and one quick kiss.  Worth it.  Now for the next two weeks and two days... His buddy told him that the weekend after he comes home they could go fishing.  He seemed really into it.  He told me yesterday, though, that he told him he just wanted to stay home that weekend.  :))) Which is fine by me.  By that time we will have not had a weekend together in a couple of months.  I'm looking forward to it.  (Also, we'll see if THAT sticks.  Not many men turn down fishing trips.)

So my biggest assignment of the semester, my English research paper, is done.  I'm also almost done with my History translation project.  I still have an Excel project to do this week and another research paper due in a few weeks, along with reading and studying for tests.  But, funnily enough, I feel like I'm already done.  I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I have too many things to do on Saturday.  I wish that were not the case.  I'd really love to clean my house.

It's good.

I JUST FINISHED MY ENGLISH RESEARCH PAPER!!!